This last week…

On March 25th I had my rescans to see how my tumors were responding to treatment thus far. Last Wednesday, my oncologist called me to tell me that although they are much, much smaller they are still there. While this is great news that my tumors are responding to treatment and I still had three cycles to go, I’m insane. I had hoped that since the tumors have no longer been able to be felt on a physical exam that would mean that they were gone. I wanted my Doctor to say we had achieved complete pathological response. I had built this conversation up in my head so for it to not go my way I was disappointed. On top of this mildly disappointing news, I also had a reaction to the dye they use for the MRI and spent the week incredibly ill. Let me be very clear, my oncologist is very happy with the scan results I’m just insane and want the tumors to be gone.

These rounds have been so hard on me physically. I’m grateful for my brother and sister in law grabbing the kids for the evening so Jeremiah could check on me after treatment Thursday. Then to my incredible neighbor who came in our house while I laid on the bed and she rubbed my back and just let me feel everything I am feeling. I’m grateful for my in-laws who took the kids for the whole weekend so Jeremiah could work and I could sleep all day Friday, Saturday and most of the day Sunday.

When people ask how I feel I still say fine just exhausted but I think I would like to change that answer. Overall I’m still fine, still tired and still won’t turn down pizza. However, if you are familiar with Harry Potter, there is a scene in Half Blood Prince where Harry is giving Dumbledore poison and Dumbledore is begging Harry to stop. Harry promised before they began that no matter what Dumbledore said that he would keep going, so that’s what Harry does. He lies and says “just a few more professor” and “you’re almost done professor”. I feel like Dumbledore. My tight circle around me has had to remind me more times than I can count that I can do this and a few more times but friends I’m tired.

This week I also had the pleasure of meeting with my plastic surgeon, he’s wonderful. He walked through all my options for reconstruction so I’ve got a lot to think about. I could stay flat, get implants or have what’s called a DIEP flap surgery. On the 14th I meet with my breast surgeon who will be doing the actual mastectomy, I’m excited to get this surgery scheduled. I feel like my body has been invaded and it’s not even mine anymore. I know that once chemo is done we’ve got at least three surgeries but I’m ready for that road to recovery instead of this endless circle of exhaustion.